Parlez-Vou Body Language?

Reflecting on a previous post, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt about all of those times I have been caught feigning interest. Not because I was caught, but because there was a chance that I offended someone without saying a word. I let my inner judge affect my outer impact.

So as I prepare to meet 110 new students (oh wait, one dropped & three more were added since I wrote this sentence...), several new colleagues, and an administrator or two--all of whom I genuinely want to get to know & learn from--I realized that though I teach the English language, when it comes to relating to others, I'm still learning body language.

Until I began reading Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, I thought I had body language figured out:

• Don't cross your arms
• Don't scowl
• Smile a lot
• Square your shoulders to the person you're listening/speaking to

OK, so I may have been a bit naive, but I think part of that naivety was rooted in my misunderstanding of what body language is and how much it can make an impact in every relationship in your life.

First of all, just look at the cover of this book, and read the sticky note addition to the title... how could I not take my colleague up on her recommendation? We can all relate.

To give you an idea without nearly doing this text justice, this book is a research-based labor of love by two Harvard Law lecturers. It is founded on the idea that no one likes to give or receive feedback, but that we spend too much time teaching people how to give feedback, when really, our time should be spent teaching people how to receive feedback.

I love its application to all areas of life. They provide sound examples in marriage, the business world, education, friendships, etc. And it goes far beyond "plays well with others" or "needs to participate more". They tackle our triggers and share how we can be our own filters, rather than intuitively taking on a defensive approach.

They present the idea that we all have "blind spots"--those areas in our body language and nonverbal interactions that have an impact...without our awareness. We tend to be "blind that we're blind", especially in these areas: (all quotes are directly from the text)

Leaky Patterns

• Thanks to Julie's honesty with me, I was able to stop in my tracks and realize that my diverted attention (to the clock, my computer, or the holes in the ceiling tiles) was consistent and revealed itself in concrete ways. Ask someone close to you about your patterns--trust me, you rarely realize your own patterns, and people aren't going to just volunteer your quirks.

Situation vs. Character

•  Tension is a frequent feeling when multiple people are expressing their views, and it helps to consider the reasoning: "I will tend to attribute my actions to the situation; you will tend to attribute my actions to my character." (reread for clarity... it's a heavy one) So. true. If I always get overwhelmed with a student because 'it's one of those days', that kid is going to leave thinking 'she's evil' and 'she doesn't care'. "Situations aren't tense. People are tense."

 

Intentions vs. Impact

• "We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impacts." We assume our good intentions beget good impacts, but that's not always true due to our blind spots. Yes! Guilty as charged! Like the time I told Brian to "suck it up" when he was down about something... my actions tanked, but my intentions were sincere... pinky swear... Ok, maybe I should have been judged by my impact on that one.

I intend to share additional portions of this text in later posts, as I only captured the tip of the iceberg here, but for additional perspective on this issue, I found Tony Robbins' perspective aligns with this text (who doesn't secretly love Tony Robbins?).

In the video below and his article "How to Make Instant Connections", Tony shares similar viewpoints, but uses the word "rapport" rather than "feedback" or "body language".

Tony's Two Cents:

• "Ninety-three percent of who we are, and what we respond to, is nonverbal. And because we gravitate towards those like us, or those who are what we aspire to be, a great way to create rapport is to match and mirror the people we meet."  (examples in video & article)

• "We naturally mirror those we feel a connection to, but the reverse has proven just as powerful."  

If nothing else, I believe that simply having an awareness to these expressions in life is a step in a positive direction. Add to that awareness a willingness to alter your approach, and isn't that the definition of compassion?

Big changes. Little steps.


Here's to speaking clearly...without words,


Kristy

photo citation