Get Out of Your Own Way

"Ask for what you want. Give other people the opportunity to say 'yes'. Stop saying 'no' for them.

-Roger Ellerton

This simple, and yet, profound quote has replaced my boys as my iPhone wallpaper. Sorry, boys, but Mama has to kick her enabling addiction.

I read this quote after a few Google searches with keyword phrases like "enabler" and "how to get what you want"... I'm obviously doing some self work.

You see, gradually, I've come to terms with the truth that I am a bonafide people-pleaser. Sure I say things like "I don't care" or "it's up to you", and often I feel that way in the moment, but somehow, I often end up regretting my words--or worse--resenting the person I said them to.

I'm realizing how unfair this is on my part. If I am going to assume someone doesn't want to do something, and I act accordingly--without consulting them--then the repercussions are my own doing. If I choose to step out of the decision making, then I need to accept the decision that is made. If I tell someone that a plan works for me, then I can't resent them for the outcome. Or as Iyanla Vanzant says,

"Whenever you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief."

I see this cycle most often in the moments when I haven't done enough work on myself to know what I really want. Appearing spontaneous and flexible might come off as a strength at first glance, but dig a little deeper, and it's easy to see that it's often avoidance out of fear.

So what do I fear?

What do you fear?

For my people-pleasing, put-myself-last brain, I'm discovering that my fears are anchored in the potential for disappointment. I fear disappointing people. And I also fear even the idea that someone would feel like I put my own needs before theirs.

But I'm slowly realizing that this only leads to half of a life.

How can I be a whole friend if my friends are the only ones who let down their guards and show their true selves?

How can I be an authentic colleague if my teammates are the only ones being vulnerable with their feelings and needs?

How could I eventually enter into an honest relationship if I'm not willing to consider, acknowledge, and communicate my own needs?

By avoiding my own truth, I avoid being vulnerable. When I avoid vulnerability, I give the world a false sense of who I am. And by giving this false sense, I can never expect to find what I need...


So, as usual, I'm challenging myself and anyone else to start small. Let's bite off a small piece of our enabling tendencies and see how it feels.


Here are a couple of areas we could begin with:

• Take a minute to consider what you really want before the knee-jerk, dismissive "I don't care" response.

• Choose the place to eat. (why is this always SO hard?!)

• Offer a date and time for a meeting, gathering, etc. that works best for you.

• Don't say 'yes' if you want to say 'no'. As my friend suggested, try: "Thank you, but that won't work for me." (And stop there--no over-the-top rationales and explanations).

• When you do feel resentment, ask yourself where you could have communicated your needs (even if you didn't know them in that moment).

I'm slowly finding that the smallest decisions are the places where I can practice and grow the most. Behaviors change in response to repetition and consistency, so start small, and take pride in the little victories--I know I am!

Because if we can finally start understanding what it is that we truly want, we can open ourselves to the possibility that others might actually be on board with us. Then, maybe, we'll finally get what we want instead of what we think we have to settle for.

Here's to getting out of your own way and, for the love of God, picking Panera already!

Kristy