Guilt vs. Shame: There is a Difference
I am a Class 'A' Justifier.
"Kristy, could you make a meeting this Wednesday after school?"
"Oh. No. Sorry. I can't. Jonah has an appointment that we have to get to right after school because he's had this weird stomach thing for a few days now, and I called the doctor's office, and they can only get him in...."
"Kristy, how's that new workout class going?"
"Oh, it's great! I love going! And it's ok that I'm away from my family for an hour a few times a week because they like having their 'guy' time, and they say that you can't be the best Mommy you can be unless you're happy, and it's quality over quantity, you know?!!"
It goes on and on and on.
I've always wondered why I do this. I'm such a justifier that I will even spend extra time explaining the symptoms of my illnesses when I've had to call in sick to work.
"Well, I woke up at 5am because my dinner had a vengeance--I mean, it was everywhere..."
Really?! Who wants to hear this?!
I've noticed that my myriad of justifications to others come from a vulnerable place. I say these things to do one of two things:
1. Try to leave no doubt in their minds that my reasoning is justified.
2. Try to leave no doubt in my mind that my reasoning is justified.
The first is ridiculous. If I think of people who over-justify to me, I usually think their overcompensating, and it actually invokes the opposite of my intended goal.
The second is unfortunate because it means that there's something in me that doesn't feel fully confident about what I'm doing.
Thank goodness for Brene Brown and her research. She has provided her own explanation for two terms that we tend to use interchangeably, though their definitions and connotations are quite separate: guilt and shame.
Guilt: I did something bad.
Shame: I am bad.
That clears up a lot for me.
I tend to feel more guilt than shame. For instance, when I woke up this morning inspired to write this blog, guilt raised its ugly head telling me that I should instaed spend more quality time with Jonah before Andrew wakes up.
Guilt placed the spatula in my hand as we made a mess of delicious pancakes, though, so I guess it isn't always the worst thing. It's when guilt becomes shame that things really get messy.
Back to my new workout class. I love going. It's a challenge & it's sometimes out of my comfort zone & it's one hour a few times a week that I am me. I'm not wife, mom, teacher, friend, coach, etc. I'm me, and I'm doing something for me.
So, of course, this brings on shame. I let myself believe that 'I am bad' at ________ because I am taking time for myself. 'I am bad' because I am making myself a priority.
Shame is ugly. Shame doesn't teach me a lesson like guilt can. Shame ALWAYS has a negative connotation, and it ALWAYS pushes me toward choices that are way worse than if I had never allowed myself to feel shameful in the first place.
For instance, if I shame myself to the point that I quit my workout class, think of all of the repercussions that would have. Not one of them would produce anything positive--lower confidence, resentment, etc.--compared to all that can come from acknowledging that this truly is time well spent and well deserved.
I'm working on ousting two words from my vocabulary and consciousness: "shame" and "should". They are overused and unnecessary, so I'm placing them in my word cemetery--like I would in my classroom--and letting them rest...un-peacefully.
If I'm going to educate my students on the idea that they are NOT their behaviors, then I'd better start practicing what I preach.
Here's to making shame feel guilty,
Kristy
Brene' Brown's TED Talk on shame. Just search her name on YouTube and you'll find several similar discussions.
"Kristy, could you make a meeting this Wednesday after school?"
"Oh. No. Sorry. I can't. Jonah has an appointment that we have to get to right after school because he's had this weird stomach thing for a few days now, and I called the doctor's office, and they can only get him in...."
"Kristy, how's that new workout class going?"
"Oh, it's great! I love going! And it's ok that I'm away from my family for an hour a few times a week because they like having their 'guy' time, and they say that you can't be the best Mommy you can be unless you're happy, and it's quality over quantity, you know?!!"
It goes on and on and on.
I've always wondered why I do this. I'm such a justifier that I will even spend extra time explaining the symptoms of my illnesses when I've had to call in sick to work.
"Well, I woke up at 5am because my dinner had a vengeance--I mean, it was everywhere..."
Really?! Who wants to hear this?!
I've noticed that my myriad of justifications to others come from a vulnerable place. I say these things to do one of two things:
1. Try to leave no doubt in their minds that my reasoning is justified.
2. Try to leave no doubt in my mind that my reasoning is justified.
The first is ridiculous. If I think of people who over-justify to me, I usually think their overcompensating, and it actually invokes the opposite of my intended goal.
The second is unfortunate because it means that there's something in me that doesn't feel fully confident about what I'm doing.
Thank goodness for Brene Brown and her research. She has provided her own explanation for two terms that we tend to use interchangeably, though their definitions and connotations are quite separate: guilt and shame.
Guilt: I did something bad.
Shame: I am bad.
That clears up a lot for me.
I tend to feel more guilt than shame. For instance, when I woke up this morning inspired to write this blog, guilt raised its ugly head telling me that I should instaed spend more quality time with Jonah before Andrew wakes up.
Guilt placed the spatula in my hand as we made a mess of delicious pancakes, though, so I guess it isn't always the worst thing. It's when guilt becomes shame that things really get messy.
Back to my new workout class. I love going. It's a challenge & it's sometimes out of my comfort zone & it's one hour a few times a week that I am me. I'm not wife, mom, teacher, friend, coach, etc. I'm me, and I'm doing something for me.
So, of course, this brings on shame. I let myself believe that 'I am bad' at ________ because I am taking time for myself. 'I am bad' because I am making myself a priority.
Shame is ugly. Shame doesn't teach me a lesson like guilt can. Shame ALWAYS has a negative connotation, and it ALWAYS pushes me toward choices that are way worse than if I had never allowed myself to feel shameful in the first place.
For instance, if I shame myself to the point that I quit my workout class, think of all of the repercussions that would have. Not one of them would produce anything positive--lower confidence, resentment, etc.--compared to all that can come from acknowledging that this truly is time well spent and well deserved.
I'm working on ousting two words from my vocabulary and consciousness: "shame" and "should". They are overused and unnecessary, so I'm placing them in my word cemetery--like I would in my classroom--and letting them rest...un-peacefully.
If I'm going to educate my students on the idea that they are NOT their behaviors, then I'd better start practicing what I preach.
Here's to making shame feel guilty,
Kristy
Brene' Brown's TED Talk on shame. Just search her name on YouTube and you'll find several similar discussions.
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