Decision Permission... for Kids!

 

My kids are spoiled. They aren't brats, but they are spoiled. And by spoiled, I mean that when they ask for something for their birthdays, they almost always get what they want, and when they do good deeds above-and-beyond their daily chores, we're able to afford a "sweet treat" to celebrate.

While I'm proud of their efforts and grateful that I can provide them with wants above their needs, it has become very evident that all of these things are slowly becoming my enemy. The Legos I step on, the disregarded toys strewn about the living room, and the once "had to have" craft sets have sat dormant for longer than I'd like to admit.

In writing my book, Decision Permission, I had a vision for us as adults, as we "do the work" to give ourselves permission to make the decisions we need to make for ourselves. And while I still value the journey it takes to reach that level of autonomy in making our own decisions, I began to realize that it's even more important that I intentionally impart that message to my children.

Our children (sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, grandkids, students, etc.) are the next generation who are destined to repeat the bad habits of living for the world instead of their own inner voices. ...Unless we can provide supports to help them Get Quiet and discover what is most valuable (besides "things") in their lives.

So, yesterday, when I was about to clear a path through the chaos for the hundredth time, I decided, instead, to sit my boys down and have a talk. I shared that I noticed that all of this "stuff" was more distraction than fun, and I wondered how we could begin to see what we had and let go of what we didn't need anymore.

This nearly sent my 8-year-old into a downward spiral as he envisioned us throwing everything he owned into a box to send off to St. Vincent DePaul's thrift store...

In that moment, I embraced my own hopes for my children as they learn to give themselves Decision Permission (as well as every episode of Hoarders I've ever binged), and I told them the following:

""Things" are not what is most important in life. God did not make us to collect things; he made us to collect our people and our memories and our opportunities to show people how much He loves them. And so God is probably looking down wondering why we have so much stuff. Let's find a way to celebrate a few of the things that really matter to us and let go of the things that could help someone else or simply aren't worth keeping around anymore."

They could get on board with that.

And so instead of "Making Lists" as we do in Ponder, I had my kiddos "Make Piles".

Pile 1: Those treasures that mean the world to you. The ones that have deep memories & meaning.

Pile 2: Those things that are kind of special and that you can't see yourself throwing away... yet.

Pile 3: Donations and disposal. The things that could bring joy to others and/or the things that no longer serve a purpose.

This made sense to my literal 8-year-old, and so as I held up each item, I asked him "Pile 1, 2, or 3". Just like an adult, though, he began to justify why something belonged in one pile or another instead of just giving himself permission to place it in that pile... wow. It starts this young.

And so I eased his mind and shared that I supported his decision no matter which pile things went into, because they were his possessions, and it was up to him to decide the value of the things in front of him. I was just here to help him sort.

I could see his tension ease as he naturally started calling out piles as I held up each item, and I was BAFFLED by the way his categories aligned with my own. 

His first pile? The journal he has written in since he could first begin inventive spelling, the few medals he has earned, and the special notes I have written him.

His second pile? Cutting & pasting supplies (The kid likes office supplies more than even I do!), a few gems from a vacation we went on, and a few trinket toys that carry a story.

His third pile? Toys he knew he no longer played with, scraps that he was holding onto for too long, and items that he noted were special at one time but not anymore.

Tears. Absolute tears.

And just as my oldest was having these beautiful moments of self-awareness and reflection, my youngest came in and wanted to do the very. same. thing.

Friends, I continue spend so much of my time imagining how I can give myself Decision Permission to live my best life as a model for my children, and now I'm finding, that at 6 and 8 years old, they are ready to begin trying their own hands and this very same virtue.

Small steps. In small doses. This epiphany moment was so very insightful to me, and I hope it reaches your heart to remember that our children need their own experiences as much as they need our examples.

How can you help a child own his/her own Decision Permission? How can you help them confidently define who they are and what they need--in spite of what the world tells them?

I don't have the answers, but this one experience has begun a new journey for me as a mom.

Here's to giving our children permission to give themselves permission,

Kristy