Fault + Responsibility

As I've found myself in conversations on various topics, I realized that I consistently end up making reference to a book I have recently finished, because its central idea has so many applications.

The title, while overtly scandalous, leaves no doubt what the reader is in for:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

The title caught my eye in the window of a small bookshop, and so I did what any member of the 21st century does--I asked Siri.

Disclaimer: Be careful asking Siri about this one with small ears around!

But if you do, you'll find out that the author is known for his deliberately confrontational style as a means for pulling readers out of their comfort zones. It's his way of helping them reflect on aspects of life that they may not have considered or confronted before.

After carefully typing the title into my local library's search engine, I was surprisingly able to secure a copy of the book and began reading it immediately.

While the author pulls you in because of the dramatic title, and trust me, the word permeates the first half of the book, you quickly realize his intentions all along--he hooked your interest, making you believe this would be a light, humorous read, but in all actuality, there's a lot of depth to what he challenges you to reflect upon.

His overarching message is that we have to carefully select what we choose to give a "care" about. Life is not about passivity. It's about narrowly focusing our energy and allowing the rest to disappear from view, or, minimally, to be lowered on our list of priorities.

He reminds us that no choice is a choice.

If we avoid decision-making, for instance, then we have actually made a decision right then and there. The conscious avoidance to make a decision is merely the result of a subconscious belief.

Potential subconscious beliefs:

• 'My feelings aren't important.'

• 'Life happens to me. I have no control.'

• 'S/he is more deserving than I am.'

• 'If I only had ____, then I'd be able to take this next step.'

...or any other myriad of underlying values and/or insecurities that we're unwilling to confront. Basically, we have to stop believing that indecision begets no responsibility.

While the aforementioned concept could be mined forever, the cornerstone chapter I've found myself exploring with others focuses on the difference between "faults" and "responsibility".

In this book, Manson proposes that "fault" is past tense. Whether you own the fault or project it on another, it's over and done with and can not be changed, so there is no reason to live there. Fault often involves the word "should" as in "He should  have..."; "I should have...."; "They should have...". Manson's version of "fault" reminds me a lot of Brene Brown's interpretation of shame--it transcends guilt, to the point that instead of feeling badly about our choices, we believe we are bad because of those choices.

On the other hand, "responsibility", he encourages, is present tense. Here we have no excuses, because it is within our control every moment of every day.

For instance, there's no reason to give too many "cares" about the 3 doughnuts I ate yesterday, but it is my responsibility to make health-conscious choices today if that's more in line with my personal goals... well, until the weekend at least... :)

At a deeper level, if you've had a falling out with a friend, "fault" will keep you living in the past and rehashing who's to blame as you live in negativity and resentment; whereas, "responsibility" helps you to see that the past is over and that you have the choice to:

A. Let it go, and move on with your life.

B. Let it go, and reconnect with the person.

C. Keep letting it fester and eat you alive.

D. ...More possibilities even worse than C.

Fault and regret get us nowhere. Responsibility reminds us that we are in control, and the future is what we make of it. While I believe that God has a plan for me, I also believe he has provided the free will to construct my own life's path. God is perfect. We are not. And for good reason! We learn the most from failures and challenges in life. No one has an epiphany or life-change moment during the times in their lives when all elements are in perfect alignment...

It often requires a daily or hourly reset, but the more often we let go of fault and, instead, own our present responsibilities, the more we are able to be mindful and cognizant of the ways we determine our paths in life.

Here's to taking the responsibility to let go of fault,

Kristy