It's the Climb
Recently, I've begun thinking about what the future holds for me professionally.
I'm not sure if this was motivated by unexpected recognition of my abilities as an educator or a natural progression in my eight years of teaching, but something has changed.
I know the analogy is usually a single mountain that needs to be faced and conquered, but I see my career as more of a mountain range. I endured the extreme challenges of a steep mountain in the first five years of my career, and we even lost a few climbers along the way. Bear Grylls has nothing on the survival skills we needed.
Eventually, I reached a peak, that still held its own, minor difficulties, and it was phenomenal, and I've been able to enjoy a well-deserved, moderate terrain ever since.
But, again, with the recent awareness that I have developed, it's as though the moderate terrain has given way to a steep uphill climb that is both daunting and exhilarating at the same time.
It is daunting because self-doubt always creeps in when you face something you've never faced before, and it's exhilarating because it's a confirmation of a confidence I've always held.
It's these reflections that have led me to the realization that I consistently feel pressured, professionally and personally, into self-deprecation or narcissism. There is no middle ground.
I love psychologytoday.com (surprise, surprise), and I read an article that pointed out 6 signs of narcissism that we probably don't always associate with a narcissistic personality:
It feels like society simultaneously guilts us into humility or rallies around narcissism (see: Kardashians), and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Take, for example, a typical gathering of friends and/or colleagues.
How much time is spent bragging on each other only to have those same people deny every positive remark that you pass on to them? (which I am guilty of)
And equally, how much time is wasted listening to people brag on and on about their own experiences? (which I know I'm also guilty of)
If a compliment is sent my way, I instinctively have one of the following reactions:
If it is an open forum and I have the floor, I naturally fall into one of the narcissistic personality points:
I wonder sometimes if my Jekyll & Hyde issues are only reserved for me. Could I really be the only person who notices herself taking on opposing personas within the same day? Or even the same hour?
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Sometimes I just want to be Sweden. I want to enter a conversation and neither "sell" myself with excuses and justifications and exaggerations nor put myself down and belittle my abilities.
I want to sit in the neutrality and bask in the comfort of zero regrets & zero explanations.
Plus, Swedes have this great thing called a "fika"--a coffee & pastry break that everyone partakes in. Can you believe that they actually claim this daily event as a "social institution and a part of the national culture."??
If I could just meld this with Spain's siesta, I would have the ultimate country... I mean, who can't rally around a sticky bun AND a solid REM cycle???
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Java & side-tracked metaphor aside, I would like to find a comfort zone between the poles of my personas. Maybe I'm not alone, though, since a simple Google search provided the following results:
search terms: 'How to accept a compliment' 13 million results
search terms: 'How to avoid talking about yourself' 100 million results
I might be looking at it all wrong, though. Humility and narcissism could be two sides of the same coin.
Maybe humility is what we display when we can finally let go of our narcissistic insecurities.
Here's to letting go & taking the first step up the mountain,
Kristy
I'm not sure if this was motivated by unexpected recognition of my abilities as an educator or a natural progression in my eight years of teaching, but something has changed.
I know the analogy is usually a single mountain that needs to be faced and conquered, but I see my career as more of a mountain range. I endured the extreme challenges of a steep mountain in the first five years of my career, and we even lost a few climbers along the way. Bear Grylls has nothing on the survival skills we needed.
Eventually, I reached a peak, that still held its own, minor difficulties, and it was phenomenal, and I've been able to enjoy a well-deserved, moderate terrain ever since.
But, again, with the recent awareness that I have developed, it's as though the moderate terrain has given way to a steep uphill climb that is both daunting and exhilarating at the same time.
It is daunting because self-doubt always creeps in when you face something you've never faced before, and it's exhilarating because it's a confirmation of a confidence I've always held.
It's these reflections that have led me to the realization that I consistently feel pressured, professionally and personally, into self-deprecation or narcissism. There is no middle ground.
I love psychologytoday.com (surprise, surprise), and I read an article that pointed out 6 signs of narcissism that we probably don't always associate with a narcissistic personality:
- Highly reactive to criticism
- Have low self-esteem
- Can be inordinately self-righteous and defensive
- React to contrary points with rage or anger
- Project onto others qualities they won't accept about themselves
- Have poor interpersonal boundaries
It feels like society simultaneously guilts us into humility or rallies around narcissism (see: Kardashians), and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Take, for example, a typical gathering of friends and/or colleagues.
How much time is spent bragging on each other only to have those same people deny every positive remark that you pass on to them? (which I am guilty of)
And equally, how much time is wasted listening to people brag on and on about their own experiences? (which I know I'm also guilty of)
If a compliment is sent my way, I instinctively have one of the following reactions:
- I look down.
- I shake my head 'no'.
- I laugh to ease the discomfort.
- I redirect the conversation back onto the person who offered the compliment.
If it is an open forum and I have the floor, I naturally fall into one of the narcissistic personality points:
- I miss the fact that it isn't an open forum and I shouldn't be talking.
- I miss the fact that I am interrupting someone as he/she is talking.
- I miss the fact that there is no need to fill the dead air.
- I exaggerate a story that doesn't need exaggeration.
I wonder sometimes if my Jekyll & Hyde issues are only reserved for me. Could I really be the only person who notices herself taking on opposing personas within the same day? Or even the same hour?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I just want to be Sweden. I want to enter a conversation and neither "sell" myself with excuses and justifications and exaggerations nor put myself down and belittle my abilities.
I want to sit in the neutrality and bask in the comfort of zero regrets & zero explanations.
Plus, Swedes have this great thing called a "fika"--a coffee & pastry break that everyone partakes in. Can you believe that they actually claim this daily event as a "social institution and a part of the national culture."??
If I could just meld this with Spain's siesta, I would have the ultimate country... I mean, who can't rally around a sticky bun AND a solid REM cycle???
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Java & side-tracked metaphor aside, I would like to find a comfort zone between the poles of my personas. Maybe I'm not alone, though, since a simple Google search provided the following results:
search terms: 'How to accept a compliment' 13 million results
search terms: 'How to avoid talking about yourself' 100 million results
I might be looking at it all wrong, though. Humility and narcissism could be two sides of the same coin.
Maybe humility is what we display when we can finally let go of our narcissistic insecurities.
Here's to letting go & taking the first step up the mountain,
Kristy
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